How to have sex talks with your Partner – sexologist

Sexologists say – Sex Intimacy is important because humans are social creatures who thrive on close personal relationships with others. Intimacy in a romantic relationship is usually something that is built over time.

New relationships might have moments of intimacy, but building long-term intimacy is a gradual process that requires patience and communication. Many people judge the quality of their relationships based on the depth of intimacy and the degree to which they feel close to their partners

In reality, sexual problems are a common issue that will affect many of us at some point in our lives. Sexual problems can develop as a result of medical, physiological and psychological factors – for example, sexually transmitted infections, chronic pain conditions, the ageing process, and emotional response.

It can be due to stress, conflicting schedules, fatigue related to work or child-rearing, or some other factor. Some couples even become stuck in sexless marriages or partnerships for months or even years at a time. The loss of intimacy can be damaging to a relationship. However, there are ways to bring back the passion in your sex life, according to couple counselors and sexologists.


Common sexual intimacy issues heard by sexologists are-

  • We don’t have time for sex.
  • Sex is now boring.
  • My partner wants sex all the time.
  • Sex is painful.
  • Feeling of fatigue
  • One person is emotionally ready. The other wants to be physically ready.
  • One person wants spontaneous sex. The other wants to schedule sex.
  • Our sex life is changing; we aren’t in sync.
  • We’ve lost our passion.
  • We argue. Then I don’t want sex.
  • They won’t try things I want to do.

How to consider there is a sexual issue between a couple or to determine you are facing sexual problem in your relationship-

Sexual intimacy issue can be considered as any partnership where sexual intimacy occurs 10 times or less within a year period. A sexless partnership is better defined as a conscious or unconscious avoidance of pleasure-based physical contact between partners.

  • First, determine whether a sexless marriage bothers you.
  • But if one of you is feeling hurt from not having your sexual needs met, then this is a sign the relationship agreement isn’t working and needs to be modified.
  • You can’t remember the last time you and your partner enjoyed sexual intimacy.
  • Sexual intimacy is the last thing you want to think about, or your heart hurts when considering the state of sexual intimacy with your partner.
  • There’s hesitancy and/or avoidance of initiating physical touch, either because of the potential rejection or the possibility that it’ll lead to unwanted sex.
  • Other forms of intimacy (touching, love languages, etc.) are also lacking in your relationship.
  • You feel disconnected from your partner.


Here are some tips on how to make your sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as you can.


Get going straight away- Is it sex? Or is it other needs: more fun together, nonsexual affection or proof of your partner’s love? Despite desire differences, couples usually feel closer when they cuddle more, attend social events together and treat each other compassionately.

It’s never too late to start- People have differing levels of sexual experience and different levels of openness to talking about sex with a partner. So, if your partner seems afraid to get verbal, be patient. You can start talking about sex by addressing your general relationship, then move to sex, and then go from there.

Open up about your fantasies- If you and your partner might have vastly different sexual preferences, kinks, or fantasies. That might mean that compromises are in order for you to satisfy one another and grow together intimately. Compromise means having open communication about your respective interests, in staying curious, and remaining open-minded. But if after talking about sex with your partner, you feel comfortable and safe in trying something new, you might be surprised.

Timing is everything- No sex schedule can be carved in stone, of course. Try scheduling sex dates for six months or so, sex therapists advice. If that’s not working, renegotiate. As scheduling reduces tension over sex, the relationship improves. This makes it more natural for the lower-desire partner to get psyched for sex. Higher-desire folks must not whine for more sex. Lower-desire partners must not cancel sex dates — or postpone them unreasonably.

Take responsibility for your own pleasure- Problems arise when there’s avoidance of sexual activity completely because one or both partners believe that any kind of intimacy will lead to sex and having to deal with the issue. Avoidance can become chronic and then couples are living almost as flat mates in a platonic way and the relationship breaks down.

When couples adjust to scheduled trysts, nonsexual affection returns to the relationship. And with both parties aware of the calendar of upcoming events, either one can initiate hugging, kissing or cuddling without fear of misinterpretation and restore their own well-being as well.

Be clear and explain- Talking on such a sensitive topic needs patience’s and clear approach. Make the discussion in a calm, healthy, supportive environment. Start the topic with lighter way for your partner to get prepared for the main discussion. Talk about all the aspects of the issue and consider all the possible outcomes. Negotiate the solution agreed by both the partners and stay in the considered solution to try and bring the charm back in your sexual intimacy.  

Positive approach- It is important to consider these sexual intimacies with positivity. A judgmental approach can make the situation even worse. This can even lead to bigger problems like sexless marriages or even leaving your partner etc

It’s important for partners to define what sex means to them before addressing their perspective or the problem. This is critical to ensure both you and your partner are on the same page when discussing sensitive and personal issues. 

If you need help negotiating a schedule, or if a chronic desire difference has undermined your relationship to the point where you can’t discuss the issue, consult a sex therapist.

Call on 9004393978 or fill in the below form to book an appointment with our sexologist specialists.